Friday, September 26, 2008
Here writes Urs truly!!!
NOTE: I'VE A NEW BLOG NOW!! WWW.NOTSOSILENTLIFE.BLOGSPOT.COM (:This blog is history and will be around to remind me of the past, but never to look back and to look forward!!!
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9/26/2008 01:14:00 AM
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
People ask if I'm ok.
I'm really, not ok.
I have not slept in 24 hours, maybe more.
My mind just does not want to shut out, it just keeps thinking. Thinking of so many things. Things that have happened, things that would not happen if some things did not happen. I think you get the point.
I stay up the whole night. Its been happening so frequently that I think I'm going nuts. I was up 6 in the morning just reading her blog about the past and memories of how we met just flowed into my mind. Flash backs of everything, every single detail so flawlessly playing out in my mind.
I would scream into my pillow at times of misery, this time I beat the record, 3 times. Telling myself to sleep did not help. I would just lay on my bed, try as hard as I can to fall asleep and my eyes would just pop open. I would just stare at the ceiling and start thinking again.
Going through all that has happened the past 2 months, I could feel like crying all over again. I just remember getting drunk on my birthday all alone at home, waking up the next morning only to wish time would past by faster. Or when its 7 am in the morning how I wished the sun would go away. Even watching late night tv shows got on my nerves and I'd just scold the Tv for being so stupid.
Maybe if I'd treated her better then. She would not have asked for a break and maybe all this would not happen. Maybe if I'd just stayed a friend and not have fallen in love with her and became her boyfriend, just messaged her and talked to her over the phone like old times, all this pain would not have come. Maybe if I hadn't met her, known her or talked to her at all, our lives would be different...
Just Maybe..
I find it very difficult. Difficult to move on, difficult to just even live and breathe properly. This is different, different from previous times where getting over something that has happened or someone would be easy and it'll all go away in a few days.
Its all so difficult without her..
There's no regrets. Looking back at all the fun times, photos, she was really somebody to me. This is because, I've lost everything now. Funny how pain can make reality inflict more pain on oneself. I've lost my mum, I've lost her, now I'm losing my mind.
Its been a long time since I asked God anything. Do I have to ask you something so that you can't take away anything?! Why when I've done no wrong, just enjoyed the life you had given to me before and time and time again you take away making my life a darker place?! Am I a really really bad person to have to go through what normal 19 year olds don't? I don't steal, I don't smite, I don't bear grudges. I'm always smiling when you pull a stunt in my life, but I sure don't deserve all this?! Hell I'm a humanitarian at best! I know you're there, sorry I blamed you, but don't you think its enough?
All I have is a bed, a laptop and 4 walls. These are the people that know me the best. This is what I make my life out to be, cause why? I've no family and no goals now. Time and time again, I've held a knife to my wrist, tried to suffocate myself with the pillow, over drank whiskey, stood at the railings of the highest level. & yet, I never doubted you. From young you've put my life to the test, I held strong through a torrid childhood, been abused by parents, got the worse of results, was never liked at school and heart break after heart break plus with friends who left. Now I left with this? Sleep deprived?
God, let me off...
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6/17/2008 11:33:00 AM
Monday, June 16, 2008
Here writes Urs truly!!!
Hi all!! I just decided to blog since I can no longer sleep peacefully, study quietly or think about anything normally.. It's now 2 months and 8 days since the promise of the break.. Still, she's not back. I know people have told me and gave me advices that I should follow, but its not easy. Its not easy when you love someone so much that reasons for this kind of situations and events that follow don't make sense. I'm not being desperate, I'm not being unreasonable, I just can't settle my mind on things. I somehow cannot keep my thoughts inside me any longer!! Questions just keep popping up every single time I think. Funny all this emotional pain just erupted from the day she told me she wanted a break from our relationship.
Questions are, If you do love me why not solve the problems you have with me than run away and take a break?
I too need to study, after all its my final year, I'm a student obviously I know what study stress is but this can't be worked out between us?
So you said you wanted me to wait, but how long?
If you wanted me to wait till you saw your results, what if your results were good? Would you come back? What if they were bad? My wait is over and you'll not come back?
If being with me even affected your grades than when would you ever come back? Till you've graduated?
I'm sure all these could be worked out together, thats what couples are for right? Working out stuff together?
I don't believe in guilty feelings, if you're busy I'm not complaining? Go on, do your project! Wanna go out with your friends? Go! These are all small things!
Club stress? Hey, I was in a club before, and I loved you still.
I might seem crude, but just asking me to wait, simple reasons, stupid feelings, just don't cut it.
Don't you think we should just give it a try and solve these?? After 2 months and you don't wanna just make the effort to just give it a shot and see that maybe it'd be better?
Questions questions questions, I'm not trying to say that you're a bad person or a bad girlfriend. I'm trying to say that if we truly loved each other, there should be no hiding, we should work things out.
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6/16/2008 02:22:00 AM
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Here writes Urs truly!!!
A big hello to all yall Music lovers out there! Its been a while since I last blogged and its really nice to know that there are people who do read! Before I start catching up, I'd like to give a BIG THANKS to a few peeps out there who have touched my heart recently, the list: Vincent, Mr. Caleb, Mr. David Tan, Shafirah, Sarah, Desiree, Nicholas Low, Shin Kwan, Leroy, Dhiban, Jonan, Ivan Ng and a few others might have slipped my mind but nevertheless have supported my life throughout this tough period. An especially Big Thanks to Vincent to have given me a book on life and also Mr. Caleb whose words made a significant impact!
Aights, shall start catching up! If yall knew, I made it to the World Wide Festival finally! It was really awesome, met up some old friends and made some new ones as well! Got to meet a few amateur DJs there who were also captivated by the awesome sounds. Just to name a few big names, Cut Chemist. Diplo. Kruder & Dorfmeister. DJ Inquisitive was there! My advice to yall, catch it the next time it hits Singapore, The World Wide Festival yo!
School's been edgy the past few weeks, guess I wasn't sticking to the plan of not missing classes, instead I've missed quite alot. Wake up you DO DO HEAD & DRAG YOURSELF TO SCHOOL! When I just want to turn things around, its the term break. -_-" & MST's just 3 weeks away. BD 1st Phase is done with a blast! The teacher's comment? "Incredible" What a relief! Reports that needed to be handed up have been given a sprite up with the new templates from iWork's Pages. Its was a damn good idea to buy the Macbook Pro in the 1st place. Phew.
DJ passion will be slowing down abit with the drought on cash. Spent abit too much on my bday! LOL. Someone has to slow this wild fella down man, too much partying! However, I've moved on from just popular hits to club beats including trance and dance, Seems being a DJ is a hell lot of hard work to know a whole lot of songs, no problem!!
More into the computer gaming scene. My friend just registered me for a DOTA comp starting tomorrow! Stress sia, I've done competitive gaming before but not on this kind of level. I'd rather stick to dreams of being a DMC champion than stake it all on it.
After the next week, Studies will take over for the MST, i must must must must SCORE! How I wish I had a bigger brain! LOL..
Thats all for today, Keep movin to the beats yall!
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6/01/2008 11:14:00 PM
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Here writes Urs truly!!!
"I wake up its a bad dream, No one on my side. I was fighting but I just feel too tired to be fighting, guess I'm not the fighting kind. Wouldn't mind if You were by my side, but you're long gone, yeah you're long gone now..." Its a wonder how such a song can be in an album like Keane. Kinda matches my life. Everyday seems to be a bad dream. Only my personality makes everyday a living happiness. I'm happy go lucky some say. Is it true?? Somehow or rather I don't even know myself. If anyone knows me well or knows what kind of person I am pls pls pls tell me!! I wanna know myself so as to know what can I change..
Week 3 is over, School's been cool so far. Not running into trouble like I used to, Guess I'm really giving it a shot to make amends to my life. BD's up and running with a great idea. Can't say it here though because of confidentiality, Don't want anyone to be naughty now!! Projects are up and running & assignments are getting done. WEE!!
Its gonna be another boring weekend for me though, no one to go out with, no one to spend time with or basically, nothing to do.. LOL.. Its home with my family. Oh, DID YOU KNOW I HAD A FAMILY? lol.. Its actually a family of liquor bottles, I just got another Johnny Walker's Red label added. Wee!! Its seems the family's growing bigger!! Each with a story to tell of the weekends, emotions and happenings.
I STILL WANNA GO FOR THE WORLD WIDE FESTIVAL!! ANYONE?!??!
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5/03/2008 12:07:00 AM
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Here writes Urs truly!!!
Another week has gone & another week has started.. After this week it'll be 3 weeks.. 3 Painful weeks.. I've learned to push away all pain and emotion.. Instead, I've smiled. Smiled for the 1st time in 2 weeks. Ahead I see what I have to do and the path is clear.. With all that has happened, I've realised that someone up there has set the path to my destiny clear enough.. Things holding me back has vanished and I've realised that my path leads me to just study and continue studying overseas. "Do well", 2 words that I've come to know. Things that held me back, fogged my vision and made me blind have vanished.. Its like being in a drunken trance and then suddenly waking up fresh, bruised with all that has happened.. The after effects of the events clearly visible physically and emotionally. Healing will commence and will only be completed on the 8th of May. In which it would mark 1 month from the time HER break started.
2 Months to me is too long. From what I see this break actually gives her happiness. & that being with me would give her more pain hurt and suffering.. Its not about being emotionally needy, desperate or trying too hard. Its about knowing and understanding whether things will work out. I've said it before and I'll say it now, if you were in my shoes you'd be as confused about things as I have. Till now I have lost all confidence in whether things will be certain. It sucks. Its about whether I'll continue giving my life to this relationship or move on, its as simple as that. Yet that answer still eludes me..
Its been a roller coaster week for me as it has been with friends, soccer and really just more friends and soccer. School is becoming more and more interesting although I'm saying this, I've got to stop missing classes!!! Healing my friend. I've also set a BD meeting this Wednesday in which we have got to start thinking about positive ideas, ideas that would reign in brilliance and profits.. Some how or rather I'd like to think BIG. I've to get in touch with the rest of the projects group members to get things started as datelines start to come closer. Moving on, Champs League 2nd Leg :MAN U VS BARCELONA. A match to watch yall!! Hope to catch the Iron Man Movie before that too..
Finally, the World Wide Festival (WWF) Will be coming to Singapore from the 16th to the 18th of May!! A showcase of brilliant DJ talent from all over the world with music to dance to and enjoy. It'll be an eye opener!! Tickets will be at $88 for 2 days (17th and 18th May) ANYBODY THAT WANTS TO GO PLS PLS PLS ASK ME, I'M LOOKING FOR PEOPLE TO GROUP UP AND HEAD TO THIS EXPERIENCE OF A LIFE TIME EVENT. 16th May Subject to private invitations at Velvet Undergound! ANYBODY THAT HAS "LOBANG" TO GET IN PLS PLS PLS CALL ME ALSO!! *BEGS*
Aights See yall!!!
P.S Sry for the late post!! :)
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4/29/2008 12:22:00 AM
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Here writes Urs truly!!!
Today's Blog will be written tomorrow!! Damn tired from the exercise.. ciao~ yall!
Still Waiting on broken heart and knees... Waiting for Chanel.
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4/22/2008 12:38:00 AM
